I know you think I am crazy. For sometime now I have thought so to, and wondered what was to become of me now. It has takenme a long time to be able to focus and understand what the last few years of my life mean, why the went down the way they did, was I just a failure, did god not like me, am I as bad a person as everyone thinks I am?
You see I have not been sitting here, punishing myself for nothing, nor refusing to move on withmy life out of revenge or spite towards you. I wonder what my life, I want to live life, just as much as you do. The problem I came to, the realization, was that if I had to start over from scratch, start over without the people who were the cornerstone of my own being, I am going to make it a planned start, a start towards something significant, something I will look back on and know that meant something oneday. It feels now like you have takenthat away from me for the past 15 years. When you leave, and take nothing, take only our children, leaving me behined with all the other pots and pans, I feel like one.
You have and continue to hurt me more than I ever thought possible. I mean I thought Granny hurt me, but she did not even put a dent in me compared to you making me valueless to my children. You have made it a point to show that I am not needed nor wanted to be a part of thier upbringing, I have nothing to offer them as a father. I think this is because of the way you came up, and as you said , you think you were better off without one. You are wrong of course, I have read books now about you, I knew the almost excact percentage of chance that you would move quickly into another relationship, either with someone you worked with, or someone from your past. It is no surprise. Because while you deny your own children a father figure, you are subconsciously in need of one, or the need to feel wanted and appriciated by one yourself. I submit to you that you are passing this on to our kids as well.
So as I have sat here, contemplating the meaning of my life, wondering weather I should just end it, jump back into the rat race to prove to all those that measure my value on how much money I make my worth, I have been searching for a cause , a bigger reason to get up. That reason has nothing to do with money. I have no desire to look sucessful, and lead an empty life, nusy, but empty, meaningless.
See, I know that God has been working in our lives for a long time now. He is the one who has made things go down the way they have. I think you have lost your faith in that, and that is the reason you left your faith and ran, but you have plenty of time to make all that right again whenever you see it, whenever you find u=out that what you ran from, you just found again in another form. Simple existance, happiness in the moment, the path towards a life that will mean nothing more than that you were the mother of two great kids, and hopefully two that do not hate you for what you denied them in your own search for something more. You, we, have always been looking in the wrong place.
You can keep my children from me now for one reason, I allow it. It would be a fairly simple proceedure to have the visitation restored, and force something down your throat.
I however, feel that for you to go to such extremes, to lie about your husband, become an adulterer, you are , well, in a state of mind I simply cant explain, and I choose tolet it run it's course, because God does not want me to return your sin towards me with more sin towards you, that is why I do not fight you. The kids will come to me on there own one day, and there is nothing you nor all the lawers in the world can do to stop it. Time is on my side.
I have been called to something greater than to make money and die, I can not have a value put upon me by a court. I have come to despise the pursuit of money, sucess in this dog eat dog world I know so well now, as a way to prove my self worth to everyone but myself. If I chose that path, enough will never be enough,just like before, because the returns on my efforts were in money, and money is , is ,nothing.
The first time you left me , I made some promises to God that I have not broken, He shown me a shooting star one night then as I prayed in Erins yard in apex.
You wanted me to find Him, and I am not sure you got what you bargained for, I did. Ever since, I admit I have defiled my body, but I have attempted to do good works. I regret that this is what I feel led me to a face down with evil, one you witness, one that scared you, but one I passed. I love people, and I love God and Jesus, no matter the injustice I have witnessed.
I have spoken to others who lost every friend and relative and thier family when they were called, because of the changes they went through, because of sticking to thier word no matter what anyone said or did. "It's scary isn't it" Thats what they say. It also makes you unsure of whether this is God calling you, you think as I have, and still do, why the f? is this happening to me, There must be something wrong with me. No there is something wrong with them. I forgive them, and still love them all, but , I will not backslide in my faith to apease others, the Pharasies.
God planned all this long ago, and I admit, I am mad, have told him so, that he allowed you to choose the path you have, I would give almost anything to have you and ours by my side as we made a real difference for the good in the lives of others. I dont understand why it is not, you have so much to offer, but you seek that which is only temporary, for yourself. I love and pray for you, and the kids.
When I went to the hospital, I thought I needed to be there, but when I got there, I found all these others, blank eyes, no hope, completely defeated by life, not on purpose like myself, but accidently, they did not know, and could not accept that they could overcome. It took me two days to get a bible, and to share it with them. One homeless man, sick, has an ex wife, and grown daughter in Raliegh he has not spoken to in years. I asked him why? He really could not answer me, and then I new, he did not think he was good enough, not beyond redemption. I told him how much , even though I have a father, how much it would mean to me for that father to call me and tell me he wanted a real relationship, wanted to be my friend, Loved me. I gave him a quarter. So see, I have seen what I can become, and I have deliberated suicide, all the while trying to force myself back into some mold that would bring me back into the good graces of you, my family, but one thing about a mold, it forms you into the expectations, the hopes of those who say they love you for who you are, but in a mold, you are not your SHAPE. I ended up ministering to those others in that hospital, when I left, there was a waiting list, or line, for who wanted the Bible next.
As much as it cost me to helpmy grandparents, you were there the day, in Guess Road Baptist, and watched me cry, I did not want to go back to CO ville. But He was gently calling me, telling me I had to. I do not like the experiance, but it was the one he wanted for me. I still do not know why, but I am sure I will find out.
Carol, there are bigger things out there for you too I am sure. Bigger things than you giving stuff to your kids, you give them everything but the example they need from you to pass on to thier kids. I beg you to break the cycle.
We still have several things hanging around here, things that say "as for me and my house we will serve the Lord" I ask you , when did either of us do that? Being present every Sunday and taking notes is not even scratching the surface of service. Go to Dorthea dix, or the nursing home, look into the eyes there, and you will know this.
I don't know exactly where, or how I will serve, but I will. He has shown me things that I would not have seen, experianced or done, had he not wanted me to do things for others, and thats what pleases me.
I love you, in my mind you will always be my wife. I still wear this ring, tried so many times to lay it down, couldn't. We can be apart, you can have a completre other life, several. But it will be unto death do us part as for me. I am no substitue for God by a long shot, but I will be by your side always, and no matter what will love you.
So, I give you everything I have, it is by right yours, and I have no use for any of it now.
Give up your anger at me, the kids allready see it, and eventualy they will blame you, and I do not want that to happen, no matter how far you take them, ailenate them, they will seek me out, and they will know when they find me how much I have had to love them from afar, and I do not want them to resent you for it.
I pray that God opens up the heavans and shines a light on your heart, and shows you your true path, I do not think you are on it.
I pray the same for me, I may become homeless, I may die, I am not scared. I will never love another human like I love you though, thatss somthing you took from me long ago, and can;t give back.
For now.
Do your Kids right and let them see me before I leave. I forgive you if you do not, but will they? Give them an example instead of trying to give them a bunch of experiances you wish you had, you did not have the example nor the experiances, niether did I, but I tell you the example of being Godly, keeping your words and honor, that is what they will tell our granchildren about, pass on, not basketball or football camp.
I wish I were serving you and them still, but it just does not seem in the cards. I am still waiting for my assighnment.
Kay Warren, Rick's wife siad "Am I disturbed?" yes very, she cries her head off every day, in every speach as she describes the injustice in this world she has found, I hope I am disturbed, cause if you are not disturbed at what you see, experiance, and find in the world and in so many's hearts today, There is something wrong with you, not me.
Love
Marcus
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