Letter one

Dear Kids:

This is the first of a few letters I am writhing in January 2008, I am 37 years old. I am a big history buff, I have always wanted to know more than I do about my ancestors, who they were, what they did, my family history. As I have grown older though I would really just love to have from them what I am going to try to give to you here, and thats a few lists, a few events, a few thoughts, that I can leave with you, and hopefully you will take care of and can pass on to your children in time.

You are both too young right now to see these, I can't be 100% true and make these so that you can at the ages you are now, and I don't want to leave out any of the good, or important stuff that I want to pass on to you. Just know that what I am trying to do here is to leave you with somethings more valuable than any money, estate keepsake, or anything you can touch. I am just trying to leave you an impression of myself, what I hold as good, important ideals, and the best momentsa of my life, the best stories I would be telling you as you grew up if I were there, and above all you must know that I love you so much that I just ; as selfish as it may seem, as stupid and chicken as I know I am being, I love you so much, and my mind is just broken enough that I don't think I can go on much longer without you. Every second right now is torture, knowing you are so close, yet out of reach, allready having grown apart from me, and there is nothing I can do about it without hurting someone I will never hurt, and thats your mother, the love of my life.

When they make things out of metal, they take the ore out of the ground and mix it with other minerals and come up with a mixture they heat up until it melts into liquid, while it is in this state it can be poured from one shaped container to another, and like any other liquid it will take the shape of the container into which it is poured, after awhile though the metal will start to cool, and whatever container it is in is what shape the metal will be when it is made. The containers are called cast's. Well, the example here is that I am metal, when I was young and liquid, I was poured into a cast that made me a shape that I only find usefull and fullfiling when I was with your mother and you, like a wrench, made for a certain type bolt, if they stop making the bolts, the wrench isn't much good anymore. It has to be melted down and re-cast into something else to have a purpose. I have not figured out how to re-cast myself, and although I know what I feel I want right now, to make my life significant, I can't take the heat, it's burning me up, and it hurts.

There have been many good and special days in my life. There have been many bad and sorrow filled days as well. I don't know why things are turning out the way they are, but I do believe in God, and have asked Jesus to save me and grant me safe passage into heavan. I hope and believe he will do this for me, as I have asked for forgiveness for everything I have done, and will do. I believe my soul, and yours are eternal, I just hope that there is no pain, or hurts on the other side like there have been for me, and as I explain, I hope you will see that You ARE NOT ME, and should never think that your path through life should in any way resemble mine.

The best days of my life: not in order of importance.

1.) The day I met your mother. Both of our parents were divorced, and I thihnk I was twelve or thirteen, and your mother, well you can figure. Our mothers, both knew a Woman that was the mother of your mom's best friend, Terii Painter. They had become members of a divorce support group, parents without partners. I was a rebel, hated my mom and dad for splitting up, hell, maybe I hated myself, but I do remember that I was allot like Kirsten at that age, and really could care less if I didn't do anything but Read books all day.
I did not want to go to this parents without partners thing, and refused to take a shower, or get dressed up for it, I remember I had a greasey hairdoo, and I thinkI was wearing my black leather jacket. My mom forced me to go, so I did, and was my normally shy and introverted self, I remember it was at an apartment complex, and I remember armwrestling and stuff like that, but what I remember most was that I walked outside, wanting to be alone, and I can still picture in my minds eye, turning around and seeing your mom following me down the sidewalk, she liked boys, I had never liked girls...or had a girlfriend anyway. I can still see her, her hair was jet black, and was down below her shoulders, so pretty I dont even remember anything else. She paid attention to me, that was all that mattered, and I felt special.